One of the great ones said: "You are afraid of your desire - they can be fulfilled!" The unique ability of our brain - to fantasize - can be used with profit for ourselves - for fulfilling cherished desires.
But, unfortunately, we often use our fantasies for other purposes, turning them into settings that spoil life. Psychologists even have a concept: destructive (destructive) fantasies. Judge for yourself: first, we spend energy on creating this destructive fantasy. Then we do it in every possible way, starting to identify the thought with reality. In the end, we act as if everything that had previously been invented really happened. Let's deal with the most common negative fantasies and try to transform them into positive ones.
Happiness for later
"I'll marry - and I'll be happy. My children will be born, and I will definitely be happy. They will grow up, go to college, I will retire ... And I will live happily! "
Psychologist's comment. These settings are aimed at putting off happiness for later, until a certain period. But in fact, happiness is here and now. It is in a fragile snowflake, a spring breeze, the first steps of a child. Fear of the future and regret for the past are two clouds that close the sunlight of the present.
"We will have an apartment-car-stable work, then we will give birth to a child. And now there are no conditions. "
Psychologist's comment. Similar reasoning about the ideal future suggests that the person is not yet ready to make such a responsible decision. On the one hand, I want to, but on the other - scary. It is worth watching yourself and maybe you will come to the conclusion: "I'm trying to find the ideal variant again, although I know that it is not. I need an excuse to not change anything in my life. " And then you recognize your unpreparedness (for the present) and get rid of torment.
Nobody likes me
"Everyone is bad to me, nobody likes me. And why should I love ?! The face is a gray, uninteresting figure - there is nothing to stop it from. There are no special achievements ... "
Psychologist's comment. This installation is very often given to people who are unsure of themselves. "Never, nobody, everything" - very harmful words in this fantasy. In fact, it is only worth thinking about: for sure in your environment there are people who treat you well or are not familiar with you. For example, Mar-Ivanna from the seventh entrance, which does not know you, potentially can treat you very well. So this generalization is inappropriate. If you think that no one respects you, think: do you respect yourself? Not enough? That's the reason why you attribute your feelings to others!
"If I graduated from the institute in due time, did not marry him, did not invest in this enterprise, I would have other parents ... then I would not be so poor, unhappy ..."
Psychologist's comment. Fantasy in this vein can be infinite, and from realizable at the moment to completely fantastic goals. The essence of such a fantasy is that you mentally return to the past, painfully regret about the missed opportunities - you do not give yourself the right to make a mistake. Such fantasies only increase self-doubt! So accept reality as it is, live the present.
He has someone!
"Something he often began to linger in the service. And business trips some suspicious have appeared - unscheduled. Probably, got a mistress. "
Psychologist's comment. Screwing herself, a woman (or man) begins to suffer, coming up with new details of the "novel". And in the course of time already so believes in the existence of a secret lover (lover), which behaves accordingly to new sensations.
The last option - in revenge gets a lover. Do not get carried away, because what you are dreaming up can happen in reality. And your husband (wife), "thanks" to your installation, after the scenes of jealousy can really get a new partner. Trust your half - and more self-confidence!
"All the time I think about the bad. I often get painful thoughts, but I can not get rid of them. I'll watch the news on TV, and it's terrible to live - do not want to go out into the street. "
Psychologist's comment. Such fantasies are more likely to be suspected, suggestible people. And the development of fantasy fear is promoted by the media. Scientists conducted an experiment: they asked people of different ages to assess their chances of becoming a victim of violence within a week. Those who watched TV more than four hours a day, estimated their chances in 50%, less than two hours - 10%, but this figure actually amounts to 1%. Such fantasies are especially destructive. Sometimes a person very vividly imagines how he got into an accident, he reflects on the consequences. And, based on this, can make serious decisions. To prevent this, include a "catcher of negative thoughts." Already the very control of painful thoughts will block destructive fantasies. The reception of "attention switching" helps a lot.
Hole from a bagel!
"Why do not you help me so little ?! Do not take out the garbage, do not wash the dishes, do not go to the store ?! And I want you to give me flowers every weekend! And yet ... "
Psychologist's comment. Constant reproaches, an emphasis on negative aspects and at the same time an absolute disillusion of the good that your spouse is doing for you. In other words, you are locked only on a hole from a bagel. But if you take a closer look, you will see a whole bagel! Weigh all the sins and merits of the "accused": perhaps your spouse earns well. And if he will spend more time on the au pair, he will miss something in his career.
It's his fault ...
"I spent my whole life on raising children and could not realize myself in the work. And at that time he was engaged in a career. He moved on, but I did not ... He does not think about me at all! "
Psychologist's comment. "Because of you, it happened!" They say, "Someone, not me, I'm responsible for all the bad things that happen to me" is a banal shifting of responsibility for their failures and gaffes to another. Such a person for years accumulates "injustice", resentment, and then endlessly tells about them instead of learning to answer for their actions. Such fixation on the past restrains constructive activity in the present.
She is the best! He is the best!
"Everyone loves her, because she is beautiful, interesting in conversation." "He only achieves everything, because he is confident in himself, lucky and super successful."
Psychologist's comment. Such settings are typical for teenagers and adults, who until the end and have not matured. Comparing your "minuses" with the "pluses" of another person, you definitely will be the loser. Moreover, you can not compare yourself with people who have achieved great success: actors, politicians, scientists. After all, such units! Accept yourself as you are. If you refuse comparisons, you will save yourself from suffering. And sufferings will leave - there will be a place for positive attitudes and success.
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The main thing that must be remembered in all these cases: fantasies can not only interfere, but also help. It is not for nothing that they say that energy follows thought. Do you want success and happiness? Fantasize that you already have it! But do not just say, but draw yourself a picture (with details) of an active pretty, self-assured woman or a strong, successful man. Think about how you will behave when you feel it all. And then you will see - your sensations in the body will change, your shoulders will be straightened, your eyes will light up. So, fantasize! After all, every person can achieve what he wants! It is necessary only very much to want it. We have great power, so let's use it for the benefit of ourselves.
Catcher of negative thoughts
- If you caught yourself on negative thoughts and fantasies, ask yourself two magical questions and answer.
- What am I doing at this moment? - I fantasize, I think out what is not, I simply screw myself. What do I want to do at this moment? - I want to do something interesting to relieve tension, to think about something pleasant.
Sometimes you realize that you are fantasizing "in the wrong direction", but you can not stop. Then ask yourself a third question:
- What benefit do I get from this fantasy?
You can answer: "It gives a feeling of how good I am, and he's a scoundrel" or "I'm everything to them, and they are nothing to me". These are options to emphasize their importance against the backdrop of other people's shortcomings. But do you need it ?!